You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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