my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
