I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You pole danced in your parka.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
