I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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