I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
