I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
