If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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