i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
