Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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