My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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