I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
