just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
