If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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