I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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