I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
