Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
