I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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