4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
