actually, I'm a sock model
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
