i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
