i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
