Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I need to align my fucking chakras
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
