I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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