I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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