he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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