my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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