Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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