I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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