i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
