If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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