The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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