i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
