i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
