great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
