ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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