How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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