I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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