dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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