I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
