Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
