if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
