who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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