I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My penis needs a shock collar
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize