At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
