I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
