every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
