My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
