So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
