watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
