so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
