its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
