I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
