He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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