Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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