my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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