I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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